Jayden Lee Sayer

Jayden, born fast asleep one sad day didn't get to say hello let alone goodbye you didn't get to meet your family.. I held you even though you wasn't alive but that moment was the most treasured memory of my life. Mummy laura was eight months pregnant with you when her waters broke.. On the 27th of January the day of your great grandads birthday mummy was rushed to hostpital expecting to have you that night it was only a few hours before we was all out laughing and talking about the day you was due 16th march 2008 many days had passed it came to the fourth day of labour an tests were done they checked for your heartbeat but it wasn't found? What was going on? A few hours later mummy and daddy were told I'm sorry but there's no heart beat... That's when there worlds came crashing Down. Everyone rushed to the hostpital to be with laura and ben... And on the same day later that night an angel was born at 11.28pm on the 31st of January 2008.. I was told the next day that you didn't make it... I cried a sea of tears I couldn't hold it in. But I knew I had to be strong for my sister. We visited you a few times while you was in the funeral home. Then your funeral came, 18th febuary 2008 a day I could never ever forget. You were put to rest at the cemetry in attleborough... And now two years on I still think of the month that changed everything. Sleeptight little man. We will meet in heaven one day, I love you. Always.

‘The Journey Of A Small Bump’

You kick for me almost everyday,
You are only a couple of months away.
I like taking pictures of the bump, the belly you are inside,
I can’t wait for you to come out
Please don’t hide!

We listen to music in the car,
Wherever we go, near or far…
It’s like you can feel the beat,
I feel you now, kicking your feet.
Today I found out you are a little boy,
I cried so many tears, tears of joy.

It’s amazing that I am a witness of the growth of a new life,
Made by your father and his wife.
Everything is cream and blue,
Its all for you, its all brand new!

Pictures are taken of the small bump you are inside,
I can’t even deny or even try to hide,
The excitement I feel
It just doesn’t seem completely real?

Thinking of names you for,
A name that’s different and not often used.
We also thought of common names,
But spelt them in different ways…
We found the perfect name for you,
As soon as we heard it, we just knew.

Jayden-lee,
That’s the name its perfect don’t you agree?

So many happy memories are made,
A lot of special days, such as halloween and many birthdays.
Christmas came by as quick as can be,
I wish you were here so you could see,
The bright coloured lights and the big sparkling Christmas tree.
This year is not your Christmas, but next year will be.

We don’t have to wait that long anymore,
March is when you are due to be born.

But wait, why am I being told you are on your way?
Mummy’s waters have broken today…
Why are you coming now? I don’t understand, how?
You still have 6 weeks left inside,
Don’t they understand it’s just not time?
You still have many weeks to grow,
Your tiny fingers, your toes and nose…
You were going to be premature,
I don’t know what that is, I need to know more?
They said you will be okay they promised us,
So from that, we didn’t make a fuss.

But why has it taken another day?
I want to meet you, and see your face.
Why has it taken so long, it’s been two days now,
Is something wrong?

It’s been three days today, something isn’t right,
Why are they keeping you inside? When will you see the light?
I’m going to sleep now, hoping to wake up to your crying sound…
I’ve woken up to nothing again, your still not here, tell me why?
I just want you to hurry; I need to hear you cry.

I’ve now been told to stay away,
Ill have to go for a little while,
I promise ill visit another day.

I woke up today, the fourth day.
I went to see my mum, she told me something’s wrong.
I knew something was. Why didn’t they listen to me?
What if I could’ve made them see?

She told me you had gone,
But deep down I feel like I already knew, something did feel so wrong.
After days of leaving you,
Without the stuff to keep you alive inside,
I hope they are happy; they have taken your life.

I’m acting like I’m okay,
But inside I feel like I’m breaking away.
My world crashed upon me when she said those words...
No one will understand how much this hurts,
My emotions would not show,
So no one would ever know.

I was told to be strong today, as I visit you.
Ill try Jayden, just for you
I held you in my arms, so tiny and very light...
You looked like you were fast asleep at night,
I wish I could have heard you cry,
Or see your beautiful eyes.
You had a tiny button nose,
Really small fingers and toes.

Even though you looked perfect to me,
God needed you, for him self you see…
I’m 11 years old and its 1st February 2008.
Today it’s too late,
To say all the things I wanted to say.
I planned for 8 months everything I wanted to do,
To say and show you

Your first breath in this world was not made,
All of that was taken away.

The moment I held you, I wish that could last forever,
Because that moment wouldn’t come back, ever.
It’s a moment I wish I could have froze,
Now all I have all the memories of those.

It’s the day to say goodbye,
I’m not ready too. But I promise ill try.

Your tiny coffin was a beautiful white,
You shouldn’t be in there, this isn’t right…
You should be in your crib, sleeping at night.

We now stand around your grave… mummy’s crying on the floor,
She knows her baby is gone, for sure.
That’s what mummy said, she feels so empty
Without her precious little baby.

‘’Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in a circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.’’

But I just stand there, feeling like I was dying,
Smiling was impossibility, everyone was crying.
Mummy’s saying some words,
Saying goodbye to her first born son, no one could understand how much this hurts.

God makes no mistakes, but you Jayden will never be replaced.

I visited your grave every Christmas and birthday,
Remembering another way, That today was the day,
Was the anniversary of such a sad but happy day.
Because you were born, but taken away.

I have so many questions I wish I had the chance to ask...
I miss you so much I wish you had another chance.

So tell me, is heaven all it cracks up to be?
Are you watching over me? Tell me Jayden can you see?
I often think of visiting you, but that means ill be there forever,
I wish I could be, but it’s not as easy as that you see.
I often wonder, if you are alone, are you cold? Do you have some ones hand to hold?
One last question, why did you have to go? That’s what I need to know.
I know you are so far away now,
I wish I could bring you back somehow.
Or even replace myself with you, so you had the chance to experience something new.
Is there any chance of you coming back? I need too know…
Why did you go and leave us all alone?

Some people say, it’s kind of weird because you never knew him so say goodbye?
Well we know that’s a lie.
You didn’t see me; you heard my voice and felt my hand,
I saw you, but I didn’t hear your voice, I held your hand.
I knew that you were as perfect as I thought.
I will never let go of all those things I bought.

I spent almost everyday with you,
Always experiencing something new.

Now it’s all over, you won’t come back again,
But I promise you; in my heart is where you remain.

Ill never forget the day,
The day you slipped away,
No one knew it would happen to you,
So much I wish I could do…

You’ve had 2 little brothers or sisters that came to be with you,
They died before they were developed as a real life,
They slipped away one night.

It’s been four years soon.
You’ve missed out on so much, like seeing the sun set and the rise of the moon.

You have a little sister Jayden-Lee
She’s beautiful, I wish you could see.

Her name is Lillie-Eve,
Its perfect, don’t you agree?

Now its time to leave you be,
You’re sleeping, now I see.

This isn’t goodbye, this is just for today.
Ill be with you another day.
That’s a promise only the time in between us is keeping,

Wait for me and you will see…
Goodbye Jayden-Lee.
I’ll see you in forever.